Saturday, May 9, 2009

I'm seriously in the matrix right now.

Fools dont even understand. Its one of those weeks. I been in my normal beast-mode with the kicking it and then tonight i'm headed home from the spot, and i see a cop hawk me. they bust a u turn because i didnt signal, then they follow me more because i was dippin out at 230am from the spot.

so i'm on the freeway and i see this bogie gaining on me, and i think to myself, "fuck it, this is it. its about to be my first dui"

now, i was at the spot with my dudes not drinking liquor, drinking pitchers of pbr, so i knew i was drinking and maybe somewhere near or over the limit. so in my mind when i saw this bogie roll up i was like fuck it, bust an exit. i took the first exit i could and then it was immediate swoop, lights on, done deal.

i'm looking for my paperwork and i cant find a current insurance card, so i get noided. meanwhile 3 more cop cars roll up. we're downtown on 4th and fulton about 2 blocks from the jail and police headquarters so i knew it was a wrap for me. cop takes at LEAST 5 minutes then walks up to the whip. asks me where i was at and i told her straight up i had been drinkin since 10pm and had 2 pitchers but that's it. they check my paperwork, etc. and then they hit me with the extra hard whammy and ask me to get out the car and get in their car while they search my shit.

they ask me if anythings in there and i tell them nothing but some hedge clippers and shit like that because i'm a landlord, but no weapons or drugs. they dont find shit, ask me to get out the car, then tell me that they want me to take a field sobriety test. at this point i'm shook as fuck because that means its curtains, even though i got hawked for failure to signal.

meanwhile, while im in the back of the cop car i'm texting my people like "yo, its a wrap for me. your boy just caught his first DUI"

so these two female cops start administering the sobriety test, and i'm like lets go. now, i had been drinking but i wasnt faded, so i had a little bit of confidence that i wouldnt be looking like Bob Huggins when he took his shit and caught a DUI. So shes like watch the pen, and i was watching that shit move with presicision. i couldnt be stopped. then she's like ok, take 9 steps one in front of the other then turn then take nine back. so i started doing my nine steps and was LOOKING HER IN THE FACE like "7....8...9" and she was like "DONT LOOK AT ME DO THE TEST" and i was like "yo, i just wanted you to know that i got this shit". and she didnt apprecaite it and it almost got heated for a second.

so then she hit me with the "hold up your left foot for 30 seconds" joint. and she tried to demonstrate, but she was counting super fast, not really seconds, and i called her out on it, like "yo you just counted 30 seconds in 15 seconds. that aint right. is it 30 seconds, or how fast i can count to 30?" and she got defensive. so i looked at the cop with the stopwatch and was like "START COUNTING. IM READY" and they both were lookin at me kinda strange like wow, is this dude really asking for us to bring on the tests, and i'm like lets do it. so i do my 30 seconds, albeit kinda buzzin, and during the last 10-15 seconds I look this cop in the face and count as if to say "yeah i got this shit". she was like "dont look at me, look at your foot" and i was like "what difference does it make? i'm just lettin you know i got this shit". now i did wobble a little, but even for a sober person, standing with your left foot 6 inches off the ground for 30 seconds isn't easy.

so then they ask me to get in the back of the car again, and these two officers are outside of the window debating. and i'm in there shook as fuck texting people just to let them know it might be a wrap for me.

but as i notice their tone it looked real inconclusive. so they open the door and the officer who i had been giving the most shit was like "look, we know you've been drinking because you admitted to it, but the tests are inconclusive. we cant really arrest you or test you further, but we cant let you drive home like this because we would be liable, so if you can get somebody to come pick you up then you're free to go"

I'm thinkin HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Called up Seance like Bro come and swoop me, i need you. He came and did me a solid. Took me home and helped me park my whip so they didnt impound it, and I'm home right now writing about this shit and NOT in jail for DUI.

So I say that to say this: i cannot be stopped in 2009. Your boy is in the matrix, dodging bullets and whatnot. In no way, shape, or form am I condoning driving drunk or even saying that you can beat a DUI like i did tonight, but i am saying that based on the amazing week i have been having, this shit is par for the course. Basically, THERE IS NO SPOON.

So yeah, good night. Unfortunately i might not be able to visit my moms for mothers day because of all this shit and how long its gonna take me to get my car back tomorrow, but fuck it. Lesson learned, dont drink and drive, it aint worth it.

PEACE.

THERE IS NO SPOON.

3 comments:

  1. I just tried to stand on either foot for longer than five seconds, I'm sober and entirely incapable of this feat.

    I'm sure you would have been impressive to the casual onlooker!

    I don't understand why the cop wanted you to look at your foot though, looking straight down will throw you off balance, sober or not. :/ Maybe that's the point though. Hmmph.

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  2. fuck yeah! that's awesome.

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  3. not quite aesop's fable, but word.

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